don’t be a dick – to yourself. realistic techniques with realistic language (some swearing)

So we’ve been in lockdown. Everyone has their own story of quarantine – from working on the front line, to getting paid whilst homebound (Netflix and chill?!). No judgement on the latter, many people severely struggled with isolation, boredom, and re-learning habits. Many people have struggled financially, and most people have struggled with fear – of the virus, of understanding the news, interpreting guidelines, and generally knowing what to do for the best.

There are many facets to fear, stress, and anxiety – some may relate to childhood traumas, or learnt behaviours that exacerbate our inability to manage these emotions effectively. I generally recommended getting in touch with a professional to help you - help yourself through issues.

However, let’s look at a few techniques that I recommend to my clients…

Don’t be a dick – to yourself

Otherwise known as ‘kind self-talk’.

That inner-critic is a dick at the best of times, but when we’re faced with a pandemic, a total change to our working processes, and we’re trying to master new skills (home schooling?!) our inner critic ramps up their newly acquired ammunition. ‘You’re not being careful enough, you’re putting people at risk’, ‘you’ve been really lazy just resting when you should have been working on something’, ‘you are being really stupid, why can’t you teach simple maths?!’ etc. etc.

There is a plethora of research that shows our inner-critic can increase our stress, anxiety, and depressive experiences; whilst lowering self-esteem, coping strategies, and even our immune system. There’s even a multitude of poignant research demonstrating a direct negative correlation between self-talk and self esteem in young children. We have to be nicer to ourselves. But, how?!

Be your own friend – a simple, yet highly effective, way to minimise inner criticism. Imagine that a friend is telling you the things that you tell yourself, and then ask yourself how you would react.

For example:

You to you: ‘I’m really stressed, but I feel guilty because perhaps I have nothing to be stressed about, I’m not a nurse during this, I’m literally just at home, it’s pathetic.’

Your response: ‘yeah, get a grip. Do more. Help more. You should consider yourself lucky and you’re spending time on self-pity. FFS’

Friend to you: ‘I’m really stressed, but I feel guilty because perhaps I have nothing to be stressed about, I’m not a nurse during this, I’m literally just at home, it’s pathetic.’

Your response: ‘No, don’t be silly. This is a pandemic and it’s really stressful. There’s been so much scary news for months, and you haven’t seen any family in ages. Of course you’re stressed, take a bath or watch a nice film. Besides, yeah, you’re not a nurse and they are amazing, but if you get ill it’s not going to help them either. Take a break and look after yourself.’

Or something like that – you get the gist.

Don’t let others be a dick to you

In these extremely stressful times people do tend to jump to conclusions and lash out more than normal. It is unfortunate, unfair, and ill-advised – but it happens. The best thing we can do is rationally consider what their criticism actually means and whether it is actually about you at all.

For example, a neighbour sees that you have a friend staying with you during lockdown and lashes out. Your friend (who had been isolating alone) is now staying because she is mentally vulnerable, and it is necessary for her health to have some close support. She is staying with you over the whole of lockdown, and you are not socialising with other people.

Neighbour: ‘You’re awful, you are acting really badly, this is a pandemic and you have people staying with you, that is so irresponsible, you’re putting everyone at risk’

Initial reaction is to think the neighbour is worried by your actions, meaning you may have been acting badly.

Your reaction ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s not the situation, but I totally understand. It’s not like that. I’m sorry you worried.’

Note - saying sorry validates the criticism to the other person, and to yourself.

Alternatively, you could look at the neighbour’s reaction and think – is this really about me or is it more about the fact that they are really stressed out, scared, and comparing our behaviours? They haven’t had friends over and are upset by that, too. Potentially understandable, but not my fault.

Your considered reaction ‘Yes, to an outsider this might look inappropriate, but my friend has been staying with me since lockdown started and she needs support. It is better for her health, (and ultimately the NHS) to be in our isolation together, and we’re not actively socialising with other people.’

Of course we don’t often have the appropriate words at the time so another response would be ‘I totally understand, but it’s not what it looks like. I’m really anxious too, and don’t want to discuss it with you whilst you’re being confrontational’ and walk away. Yes you can say that. Your priority at that moment is yourself and your friend.

Walking away is a really useful technique for diffusing a situation.

Don’t get involved in a dick-waving competition

Social media is so full of controversial topics and gut clenching opinions. It is so tempting to wade into an argument – mentally or with actual comments. Either way, this tends to involve various mental rewrites of our opinion causing increasing irritation. Let alone, if we say our comments and receive a negative response – the spiral continues. Of course, it is important to share our opinions and educate others. It is important to learn from others. But, I advocate a few points to my clients:

1)      Weigh up how you feel about the topic, to how you feel about the debate

If the topic is something you really care about then it is understandable that you want to stride in with your opinion and may get caught up emotionally.

But, if the topic is not really THAT important to you – then try to stay away from joining the stressful debate. Very quickly we can get gripped in a difficult and frustrating cycle of comments and responses, resulting in increased anxiety, and time wasted that could have been spent more productively. This is easier said than done, I know.

2)      A reminder of who is in control

You can’t control other people.

You want someone to agree with you – you can’t control that – so don’t get angry when they don’t.

You want someone to listen to you in a way that you feel is appropriate – you can’t control that – so don’t get angry when they don’t.

They don’t and can’t control you.

You have been upset by someone’s opinions – they can’t control your reaction – they did not cause your emotion, you did. They definitely may have triggered something inside you, and your upset or anger may be totally legitimate (especially if the person is being a rude, bigoted, dick-head). But, how you react is under your control. You rule your behaviour.

And, in general, a clear, concise, calm response creates more wide-spread respect and thought change. Try to simmer down and be calm. As much as you can. You will feel better. Less morning-after guilt. Less vicious, obsessive thought spirals. As they say - don’t let them live in your head, rent free.

Namaste. Hope you all get back to the new normal, with health and happiness as your primary goals.

 Photo credit:  Engin Akyurt / fotografierende / Ekaterina